It’s been a little bit over a month that I’ve bene on here. The last time I wrote anything, I had my doctor put me on medication for my Depression and Anxiety Disorder. I tried to do updates on my experiences with Cipralex (Apo-Escitalopram) but lost the motivation to even go on here.
The last month or so has been something else for me. When I first started my medication, I thought it was supposed to be for the better. I felt like I was making an actual change in my life but really, I felt everything going downhill.
My medication started okay. I hadn’t felt much of a change in my mood or anything for that matter. Two-three weeks past and I started feel very irritable. I had random bursts of anger and sadness but for some reason…I just couldn’t cry. My brain had gone numb. I wanted to but my body wouldn’t allow me to. I felt like I had lost the ability to feel sad.
When I would feel anxious, my hands would shake and I’d appear very agitated. I started to lose weight but then I would gain it back in an instant. I would frequently wake up in the middle of the night crying with paranoia that the relationship with my boyfriend would fall apart any second or that parents would split and I would be left with nobody but myself. Oftentimes I’d have terrible nightmares. Nightmares where I’d be hurting myself or others around me.
Now, I haven’t had a self-harm relapse in a long while but, it was always somehow in the back of my mind to do so. It sucked. I felt like the life was taken out of me. I felt like it was time to see my doctor and talk about my “progress.”
November 12, 2015 I went to see my family doctor. I told her what has been going on. I had a lack of sexual interest, self harm thoughts, nightmares, etc. She recommended that I should switch over to another medication called Zoloft. She said, “1 pill per day for 7 days and then after the week was done, 2 pills per day for 45 days.” Now, I’m not so keen on changes. It takes a while for me to get used to.
It is now November 13, 2015 and I haven’t started my new meds. I will be doing so tonight. It’s been a full day without any medication and my body has me severely tired. I haven’t left my bed unless it was for food or to use the washroom. I’ve been sleeping all day but I thought it would be finally appropriate to keep this updated. I’m not dead so there’s that.
I had a relapse last night with self-harm though. My boyfriend was super tired last night and couldn’t tuck me into bed he had mentioned. It made me feel alone and like I wasn’t important enough. I started crying in the car as he drove me home last night but of course, my crying changed his mind. We have a deal that every night he must tuck me in. It makes me feel safe and loved. We got home and I went to the bathroom. I’m not sure what may have triggered it but I cut myself. It wasn’t my fault and it definitely wasn’t his. I have to work on that.
I’m hoping that this new medication helps me. I’m going to try to keep this blog updated to the best of my abilities.