Medication: Day One & Two -September 23-24

So, yesterday I went into the city to speak to my doctor about my current mental health state. If any of you have read my Mental Health Journey post; then, you would know that my mental health has increased and worsened throughout the years.

My doctor and I spoke about when I felt it first started (anxiety, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, etc). The first time I can remember wanting to never being born and truly hating myself was when I was around 9-11 years old. I always felt like the smallest things were my fault, I over analyzed everything and I always felt so alone in the dark. I’ve never been the kind of person to speak about my problems out loud due to the fear of being shut out or told they weren’t important enough.

When the bullying the started, I was so afraid and I felt like such a loser. I had this feeling of constantly being overwhelmed and stuck in this air tight space.

Now, the years have passed and I wouldn’t say I’m completely recovered but I’m not as bad as I used to be. I have tried to stop with the self harm (although, I’ve had some relapses) and I’ve tried to make myself happier by surrounding myself with good people, “trying” to eat better and just doing things that I enjoy. But, I definitely still feel like I’m trapped and someone is constantly jabbing and pulling at my heart strings, purposely creating storms in my tummy and thoughts of worthlessness and the haunted feeling of being a nobody.

My doctor has always been there for me. She’s definitely my favourite doctor I have ever been to as well. When I speak to her, she listens carefully and with love in her heart, she calms me down and speaks to me as if I was her own child. Which is by the far the best feeling for me. I don’t want a doctor who speaks to me just to get the words out so they can get what they want. I need constant reassurance that everything will be okay and I need someone with genuine kindness in their heart that they truly want to help.

We spoke about my anxiety ridden days, days where I don’t get out of bed, times when I just don’t eat and other times where I eat all the time. We spoke about how the longest I’ve gone without a shower was 5 days because I was too anxious and depressed to even open my eyes to see everything around me or to even let my feet touch the ground. We spoke about how when I have panic attacks; I get aggressive and angry. I start yelling and push everyone away.

My anxiety attacks are like tiny, little bombs that are ready to explode. I could be doing my own thing and then suddenly, a sudden rush of fear and panic comes over me and I’m sitting there crying.

We ended our conversation with the decision that I was going to start medication for both my Generalized Anxiety Disorder & my Depression. As of right now, I’m taking Apo-Escitalopram (10mg).

After my appointment ended, I decided to take my first pill. My doctor made me note that the first few times taking it, will result in minor nausea and dizziness. Which I automatically felt on my way back home. It resulted in me being incredibly fatigue, hungry but not having the urge to eat, and throwing up the moment I got home. At least falling asleep wasn’t hard for me last night.

This morning, I woke up with slightly feeling light headed but I felt okay. I think I’m going to be okay. I took my pill for today at 5pm and I didn’t feel sick. That’s improvement.

I’m hoping to find enough motivation to sit here and write about my journey with medication but this is a start. Thanks for reading.

GRWM: Work Edition Makeup

So, today I filmed a Get Ready With Me: Work Edition video for my youtube for the following look:

Photo on 2015-09-16 at 4.18 PM #2

The products I used are as follows:
-Dead Sea Elements~Moisturizing Day Cream
-Essence clear brow gel
-Ebay cream contour kit to define eyebrows
-BH Cosmetics~Missy Lynn Palette to help add more colour to brows
-Essence I ♥ Stage Eyeshadow Primer
-Missy Lynn Palette in the “Burnt Sienna” colour lookalike to add definition to the crease
-Essence 2 in 1 eyeliner pen
-Essence Match 2 Cover cream concealer
-Marcell’s BB Cream in Medium to Dark & KVD’s Lock It Tattoo Foundation in Medium 57
-Aesthetica Cosmetics Powder Contour Kit
-Revlon Cream Blush in the colour “Coral Reef”
-MAC’s Dazzle Lipstick in the colour “Glaringly Hip”
-Revlon Photography Eye Art-Gold Glitter Gel

❤ ❥❤ ❥❤ ❥❤ ❥❤ ❥❤ ❥❤ ❥❤ ❥❤ ❥❤ ❥❤ ❥❤ ❥

The dazzle blue halter top I am wearing in the video is from: http://depop.com/littleegg1991

You can also view my 90s inspired clothing, shoes and accessory store here: http://depop.com/shopantivibes. I do international shipping and every order comes with free goodies. (:

25 Facts About Me

So, I know I haven’t been on in a couple of days and that’s because I’ve had a few days off work, so I had time to spend with my boyfriend. I’ve also been having a lot more sales in last two days on my store through Depop. (: Which I can link below if you are interested in checking it out!

photo-20-09-2013-06-14-27-pm

1. Do you have any pets? I don’t actually “own” any pets at my house because my mom doesn’t allow me to but since I’ve wanted a hamster for a while; my boyfriend ended up buying me one. (:
2. Name 3 things that are physically close to you. Lisa Frank stickers, parcel envelopes for purchases from my store & also tattoo lotion to help them heal.
3. What’s the weather like right now? It’s been incredibly muggy, humid and sticky outside. For a few days it was chilly and now I’m really wishing it was fall all year long. I can’t stand the heat.
4. Do you drive? If so have you crashed? I don’t even have my driver license.
5. What time did you wake up this morning? I woke up around 12pm since I worked at 2pm and I wanted to get enough sleep in.
6. When was the last time you showered? This morning. I’m in need of one right now actually.
7. What was the last movie you saw? Last movie? Like last FULL movie? Monsters University with my boyfriend. SO GOOD.
8. What does your last text message say? “What time tomorrow are we planning on going so I can check!” My friend Will and I are planning currently to go to the movies tomorrow:-)
9. What’s your ringtone? I literally don’t even have one. It’s one of those standard IPhone ones.
10. Have you ever been to a different country? I haven’t travelled for a really long time and I’m not a fan of it either. Last time I “travelled” or even went on a plane was when I moved to Canada in 2004; which isn’t even a big deal.
11. Do you like sushi? California rolls are my life.
12. Where do you buy your groceries? Costco. I like the free food samples.
13. Have you ever taken medication to help you fall asleep faster? I once took Melatonin. It knocked me out in 15 minutes. Never fallen asleep so quickly in my life.
14. How many siblings do you have? I’m a lonely ol’ chap.
15. Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop? MAC Laptop. Which to be quite frank; are not that great.
16. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? THE BIG 2 0. I’m getting old.
17. Do you wear contacts or glasses? Neither. I remember when I was younger, for some reason, I would fake having bad eyesight because I REALLY wanted to wear glasses LOL. I was a weirdo.
18. Do you color your hair? Not as much as I used to in high school. I had every possible colour for my hair back then.
19. Tell me something you are planning to do today. Finish this blog post & watch Netflix for the rest of the night until I manage to pass out.
20. When was the last time you cried? The day before yesterday. I happen to be emotionally unstable at least 95% of the time LOL
21. What is your perfect pizza topping? PINEAPPLE & BACON.
22. Which do you prefer-hamburgers or cheeseburgers? I’m not so huge on burgers but I really love anything with cheese.
23. Have you ever had an all-nighter? Since I was 13.
24. What is your eye color? Poop brown.
25. Can you taste the difference between Pepsi and Coke? I don’t even drink soda?

You can view my store here: ShopAntiVibes I sell 90’s inspired clothing, shoes and accessories and also offer international shipping.

I will be posting a tattoo tag very soon!

-Indigo