So, yesterday I went into the city to speak to my doctor about my current mental health state. If any of you have read my Mental Health Journey post; then, you would know that my mental health has increased and worsened throughout the years.
My doctor and I spoke about when I felt it first started (anxiety, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, etc). The first time I can remember wanting to never being born and truly hating myself was when I was around 9-11 years old. I always felt like the smallest things were my fault, I over analyzed everything and I always felt so alone in the dark. I’ve never been the kind of person to speak about my problems out loud due to the fear of being shut out or told they weren’t important enough.
When the bullying the started, I was so afraid and I felt like such a loser. I had this feeling of constantly being overwhelmed and stuck in this air tight space.
Now, the years have passed and I wouldn’t say I’m completely recovered but I’m not as bad as I used to be. I have tried to stop with the self harm (although, I’ve had some relapses) and I’ve tried to make myself happier by surrounding myself with good people, “trying” to eat better and just doing things that I enjoy. But, I definitely still feel like I’m trapped and someone is constantly jabbing and pulling at my heart strings, purposely creating storms in my tummy and thoughts of worthlessness and the haunted feeling of being a nobody.
My doctor has always been there for me. She’s definitely my favourite doctor I have ever been to as well. When I speak to her, she listens carefully and with love in her heart, she calms me down and speaks to me as if I was her own child. Which is by the far the best feeling for me. I don’t want a doctor who speaks to me just to get the words out so they can get what they want. I need constant reassurance that everything will be okay and I need someone with genuine kindness in their heart that they truly want to help.
We spoke about my anxiety ridden days, days where I don’t get out of bed, times when I just don’t eat and other times where I eat all the time. We spoke about how the longest I’ve gone without a shower was 5 days because I was too anxious and depressed to even open my eyes to see everything around me or to even let my feet touch the ground. We spoke about how when I have panic attacks; I get aggressive and angry. I start yelling and push everyone away.
My anxiety attacks are like tiny, little bombs that are ready to explode. I could be doing my own thing and then suddenly, a sudden rush of fear and panic comes over me and I’m sitting there crying.
We ended our conversation with the decision that I was going to start medication for both my Generalized Anxiety Disorder & my Depression. As of right now, I’m taking Apo-Escitalopram (10mg).
After my appointment ended, I decided to take my first pill. My doctor made me note that the first few times taking it, will result in minor nausea and dizziness. Which I automatically felt on my way back home. It resulted in me being incredibly fatigue, hungry but not having the urge to eat, and throwing up the moment I got home. At least falling asleep wasn’t hard for me last night.
This morning, I woke up with slightly feeling light headed but I felt okay. I think I’m going to be okay. I took my pill for today at 5pm and I didn’t feel sick. That’s improvement.
I’m hoping to find enough motivation to sit here and write about my journey with medication but this is a start. Thanks for reading.