Depression is nothing but a journey

When I was about 9 years old; my mother and I moved to Canada. It was one of the best decisions made for our family. My mom had always thought Canada was a beautiful country with so many open opportunities for us to experience.

During the first two months of our stay, my mother tried to find a job. My mother had always been a very hard worker and I thank her for that. Since we had first moved to Canada in July, she found an Elementary School for me to attend. At the time we weren’t living far away but also not close to my school. I started to attend it in September and I was put into Grade 4.

Grade 4 seemed a little hard for me. I had one teacher who I really felt disliked me. I wasn’t very good at math and she would talk down to me. I never said anything because I felt like that was normal because she was a teacher. In Grade 4, I didn’t have many friends. I always thought I was a bit different than everyone. Not a lot of people wanted to talk to me, nor did I really hang out with anybody during recess. I did talk or I sometimes would hang out with these 4 girls that were my friends up until Grade 8 when we graduated and we lost touch.

Elementary school wasn’t awful but it wasn’t great. I always felt more in touch with those older than me, than those my age. I couldn’t hold a conversation with anyone. I guess you could say I was in my “awkward preteen phase.” I remember that some people weren’t so nice to me or would bash me for being myself. On occasions, I had people bully me for being “too skinny.” The occasional backhanded compliment where people would take my wrists and wrap their fingers around it saying things like, “Oh wow! You’re so thin!”, “You need to eat”, or “I could break you! You’re basically a twig.” I remember not liking it a lot and going home to cry because I felt terrible about myself. I never understood what mental health was until High School crept unto me slowly.

Applying for High School came around and everyone in my graduating class were going to the same schools. Everyone but me and another girl applied for an All Girl school. You can already tell that was a bad idea.

Anyways, first week at this prestigious all girl school came around and I was excited to get away from those people in Elementary and make new friends. Boy, was I wrong. Everyone at my school was so beautiful and popular and here I was; this skinny, awkward teen with a hideous bowl cut. I was never a big fan of myself. I would frequently be teased for being thin, having a flat chest, random things, etc. I did make some “friends” though. I was never the kind of person who liked having girl friends. A lot of my guy friends from Elementary attended the all boy school down the road, which was great.

I can’t remember a lot about High School but I do remember meeting this boy on the bus who asked, “I’ve never seen you on this bus before. Are you new at [insert school name here]?” He was the most kind-hearted person I knew, he always asked me how I was, how I was liking school, and if I needed someone to talk to; that’d he’d be there. He was the kind of person that would bring smiles to everyone’s faces and make jokes when things were hard. He also worked at the supermarket near where I lived, so whenever I’d go to the train station; I’d see him sometimes and he’d accompany me to the station so that I’d be safe. I’ll always remember him.

Fast forward Grade 10 since Grade 9 was pretty much uneventful. In Grade 10, I sort of became friends with this girl who was a little intimidating. Everyone seemed to like her so, I did too. I kind of thought she had a really badass attitude which came off as disrespectful half the time but I didn’t care. I wanted her to be my friend for some odd reason. I became friends with what you would call, “bad seeds.” I started to associate myself with the raving scene from where I was from. While, I never really went to events, I knew a lot of people from there. Majority of them only really wanted to go to these events so they could do drugs. Drugs always seem like a good idea until you get stuck with the bad end of the stick.

In Grade 10, I began to smoke weed at any chance I was given. I hung out with this group of girls who would go out at lunch time to go smoke by the ravine near the school. I would tag along. I started to be a little rebellious. I also wanted to get my nose pierced. So, I got a girl to do it for me in the washroom at school. Pretty stupid idea, to be honest. 10/10 don’t recommend.

Now, before we get into my rebellious phase, I want to speak about how weed can have many different effects on people. In my case, it’s what triggered my depression and my anxiety. (Let’s leave my anxiety for another story.) 

Depression came over me like a black massive hole that covered me in shame, and disgust about myself which caused me to start self harming. I felt like no one really liked me or wanted to be around me. I felt like a waste of space and I felt utterly disgusted with myself. I hated myself and what I became. I would look in the mirror and feel putrified at what I saw looking back at me. I felt like self harm was my only way out to feel something. To feel anything. I started to suffer from mild hallucinations but I just thought that was the side effect of smoking so, I never thought anything of it.

The summer before Grade 11 came and I began to lost friends. You can imagine that being at an all girl school causes some drama and brings the ugly out in everyone. People spoke bad about me, and I spoke bad about them. I didn’t care. I didn’t like anyone. I felt like everyone was too much of a two faced person; therefore, you couldn’t trust them. One moment, these girls would speak to me and be nice, the next moment they’re against you and pretend that you don’t exist. It made me feel shitty. Somehow, someone told that one girl who was intimidating that I experimented with drugs outside of weed when I would go to raves which was a complete lie. She then made a post on Facebook saying that I was a liar, that I was asking for attention and that if she would ever see me, that she would “beat the living shit out of me.” All these girls from my school, liked her status and started laughing along with her. You don’t even have to know how that made me feel. It was a threat and I had to get out of there. So I transferred to a new school.

I basically ran away from the problem instead of fixing it. I started getting anxious at the most random times. I started feeling worse about myself and began contemplating that if I were to disappear, no one would care. I never spoke to my parents about my problems since I didn’t want them to worry about me.

Grade 11 was supposed to be the start of something new, the start of a new experience, and new people to surround myself with. After all the events that happened to me at the all girl school still made me feel terrible so, I kept to myself until I met a group of people who made me feel great and they called me their friend. So, that was pretty cool.

I wanted to make the next two years something rememberable. I tried out for the cheerleading team where I made some awesome friends. There was a little bit of drama but it was worth it because I made connection with some amazing people. I also somehow managed to get the guys in my friend group to join! One day after practice, my friends and I were hanging outside by this tree near the bus stop and I noticed this boy who kept peering over at me. His eyes were the most wonderful colour of chocolate brown. He had these freckles all over his face and nose and this great smile that wowed me completely. Let’s call him Freckles for the sake of it.

Freckles and I started to hang out a lot more, I got feelings for him and he got feelings for me. We started to date. I thought he was the most amazing person ever to come into my life. He treated me right, he made great jokes, we had lots of things in common, etc. He was really into mechanics and went to a College for this program that allowed the school’s mechanic division to enter into this yearly competition. I would only see him twice a week due to his commitment.

You know how I mentioned that I thought he was the most amazing person? I was wrong.

He became emotionally abusive. His friends would make jokes and when I would laugh, he’d respond, “Was anyone talking to you? No. So why are you laughing?” I loved him completely but I would allow him to walk all over me like a doormat. When I made him aware of my depression, he would laugh & tell me, “Get over it” or when I told him that sometimes I would self harm, he would say, “That’s revolting. Why would you ever do that to yourself?” He was never supportive but I would always do everything for him. When he was sick? Yeah, I would skip school to go take care of him. He needed advice? I’d bust my ass to help. He never deserved me but I still let him emotionally abuse me.

The one thing I will never forget is that he cheated on me. He cheated on me and lied to my face. He told me that a girl kissed him in his program and because he didn’t want to be “rude”, he kissed her back. I forgave him. But I respected myself to let him go. Oh and the worst part out of everything; one week after we broke up, he started dating his best friend. Which means that they were talking when we were dating. But I respect that. I respect their relationship. I wanted the best for him and I felt like I was draining the life out him at the same time as I was with myself.

Months go by. I stopped eating. I stopped caring. He completely dragged the life and motivation out of me. He emotionally abused me and I completely lost it. I cried for weeks at a time, lost the motivation to go to school. The self harm got worse, I contemplated suicide on numerous occasions. I didn’t want to be here. Not because we broke up, but because he broke me. It was as if he took my heart, threw it on the ground and stomped on it.

I was angry. I became selfish. I became emotionless. I became this rock that couldn’t cry, that couldn’t laugh or couldn’t feel. It was like this dark hole sucked me in and took the life out of me. I eventually found a way to help myself forget it. I found this band that changed everything, that helped me find a way out of this feeling. Their name? Being As An Ocean. They mean everything and will forever mean something to me.

I graduated and applied to College for Art. Art has been my passion since I was younger. I didn’t think I was Picasso or anything but I knew I had talent. Assignments came rolling in and it was like a slap in the face. I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t even find the right way to express myself on canvas or paper. I felt like I had lost the one thing that meant the most to me. So, before everything became worse; I dropped out of school. 

Then Winter came over and the roads were covered in this white, angelic dust. The nights were pinks and purples, the days were sunny and cold. I woke up one morning and I went on Facebook and found out that the boy who introduced himself to me in high school on the bus passed away in his sleep. I have never felt a wave of shock before, I had a big lump in my throat and I didn’t know what fear was until I see those posts flooding my feed. I stayed away from his profile for weeks. I didn’t know how to react. I was at loss. He meant a lot to me. He was there for me when I asked for it. He even introduced me to a lot of people. Not a single tear came out. I was angry. I was upset that he was taken away. He was so made out of light and love, he spread his positivity everywhere he went. He was the one who told me that “Everything will be okay if you allow time to take over.” He was right. Time is the best thing. You can’t expect change if you don’t allow yourself to see change.

I haven’t gotten much better with my mental health since all of that happened. I experience mild hallucinations and hear voices, I suffer from severe depression that can cause difficulty in my everyday life, and I’m anxious constantly. Panic attacks come over me and take control of my thoughts, actions and words. It feels like I’m dying. I can’t breathe and I become disoriented. I wake up in the mornings and I have knots in my stomach. I feel like throwing up. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed all day, I sleep for up to 14-16 hours a night, I don’t eat a lot. Mental Health can cause a lot arduous strain. It’s like walking around with a massive weight on top. But I will never allow my mental health to define who I am. I am a strong person and I will continue to fight. It IS possible to get better.

Below I will be sharing some very helpful links if yourself, family or friends are having a hard time understanding themselves or their mental health.

Thank you for reading.



A Response to ‘Women Against Feminism.’


Imagine this:

The year is 2014. You are a white Western woman. You wake up in the morning in a comfortably sized house or flat. You have a full or part-time job that enables you to pay your rent or mortgage. You have been to school and maybe even college or university as well. You can read and write and count. You own a car or have a driver’s licence. You have enough money in your own bank account to feed and clothe yourself. You have access to the Internet. You can vote. You have a boyfriend or girlfriend of your choosing, who you can also marry if you want to, and raise a family with. You walk down the street wearing whatever you feel like wearing. You can go to bars and clubs and sleep with whomever you want.

Your world is full of freedom and possibility.

Then you…

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Oppressive terms that need to leave your vocabulary IMMEDIATELY

Everyone has experienced some sort of oppression at one point in their lives. Whether it’s something being used against you due to your race, language, religion, sexuality, etc.

What is oppression?

Oppression is an unjust, cruel or even a negative way to treat somebody or something. 

For example: While white people are seen as very privileged in society; but they can also be oppressed for certain things. One of those things can be because they are gay/lesbian/bi/etc. Sexuality is a very touchy subject because it seen as the devil’s work. Another example of oppression can be the unjust connotation that all Muslim people are terrorists. Oppression can go on and on and on.

As a society we are taught that using oppressive language is okay. That it won’t hurt anybody, even though it’s the complete opposite. So, here are a few terms that you should get rid of in your vocabulary!

Mayo– While yes, I have used this as a way to describe white people before as a joke; I never knew that until recently that the word Mayo derives from an Mexican Indigenous tribe of people living in the states of Sonora and Sinaloa. Using this term as a negative slur against whites; The Mayo people can also take offence to the term being loosely thrown around.

Although, I am not too sure if I can use this term freely since I was born in Mexico. (I’ll keep you updated on that.)

Retarted– Mental disability is a low than average intelligence or lack of mental ability skills that are useful for day-to-day living. Many children and even adults suffer from Intellectual Disability which in many cases; they get ridiculed and bullied for. Someone’s mental disability is not a choice and using the word “retarded” as an adjective to describe something that’s “dumb” or “unable to work” is a form of Ableism.

Gay– This one seems to be a popular term for the kids. Have you ever overheard a friend say, “Oh man! That’s so gay”? Me too. This is a touchy subject for those of this sexuality. Again, someone’s personal choice should not be used as an adjective. Believe it or not; it is a form of Homophobia. But you? Homophobic? I know what you’re going to say, “My best friend is gay!!! So, I can say the word GAY.” Newsflash. You can’t. Not until you, yourself are a person of homosexuality; you do not have the right to use oppressive language.

OCD/Depression/Or Any Kind of Mental Illness- People who live with mental health (including myself) are surrounded by this negative cloud of stigma surrounding them. Using a mental illness to describe a “bad day” and saying, “Today was boring. It was depressing”, is not OK. When people use mental health as an adjective to describe mainly anything; it kind of says, “Mental health doesn’t exist until I say it does.” In society, we are told to be ashamed of our personal problems and not talk about it BUT the moment someone who doesn’t experience or suffer from it says anything remotely concerning mental health and everyone turns heads and says, “OH NO ARE YOU OKAY?!?” People with depression can really be triggered by the smallest things, and jokingly throwing around the term “depressed” can make less of their struggle. Same thing goes with loosely throwing the word OCD around.

Rape This one really grinds my gears. Ever heard someone say, “Man, I totally raped that test!” or “We totally raped them in COD!”? Rape culture is so among us to the point where if a woman or a man was raped; the first thing that us, as a society ask is, “Well…what were you wearing?” or “It’s not considered rape if you’re a man. Man up. Guys are supposed to like sex.” Let’s just get one thing straight: RAPE IS NOT SEX. SEX IS CONSENSUAL. RAPE IS NOT.

I’m so tired of hearing people blame the victim for being sexually assaulted. Why are you SO concerned about what they are wearing or if they were drunk instead of being concerned that why did this sexual violator do this to them? Why are you adding to rape culture when children, women and even men get sexually assaulted every day? WHY ARE YOU NOT PISSED OFF?

You can view the statistics of sexual assault and their perpetrators HERE.


I hope you learned something today! Try using this new information to help educate yourself and those around you. Only we can make a difference if we try.

*If I missed any other terms, I would love to know which ones.*

I Am Indigo North


Recently an old friend of mine from High School had created a wonderful blog and started posting her thoughts and such. I guess you can say she inspired me to start a blog of my own! So I decided to start with the cliche “Get To Know Me Tag” *sigh*

1. What is your middle name?: Mildred. My mom was living in Germany and she heard the name a lot so she thought it was a good fit for me!

2. What was favorite subject at school?: I’m a really big Art and English snob. I also really enjoyed History. (:

3. What is your favorite drink?: Joe’s Green Tea! It’s perfect for a hot day.

4. What is your favorite song at the moment?: Not necessarily a song but I’m really digging Tove Lo’s album, “Queen of the Clouds.” I usually dislike mainstream music but this one is just so catchy.

5. What is your favorite food?: CHEETOS.

6. What is the last thing you bought?: I eat a lot so it was food hah.

7. Favorite book of all time?: I love anything that Stephen King wrote. I’m also a sucker for the Twilight series. *Shhh* Don’t tell anybody 😉

8. Favorite Color?: *Shade. See? I told you I was an art snob. My favourite shade is Black. But if we’re speaking about colours; then it’s blue.

9. Do you have any pets?: I have a hamster named Mr. Fuzzbutt. I have no imagination when it comes to naming animals LOL

10. Favorite Perfume?: Currently, my mom has been making homemade sprays from essential oils. So, lately I’ve been using a spray that has a mix of lavender, lemongrass and something else. It smells great.

11. Favorite Holiday?: I like Halloween the most. I don’t celebrate it much but I love the idea of it.

12. Are you married?: Married to Taco Bell.

13. Have you ever been out of the country, if so how many times?: I’m not so keen on travelling. Being in a car for more than an hour makes me incredibly anxious.

14. Do you speak any other language?: I speak fluent Spanish and English. I can also do basic ASL.

15. How many siblings do you have?: Zero. Let’s keep it that way.

16. What is your favorite shop?: The Black Market which is this grungy, 90s thrift shop in downtown Toronto. At least 85% of my clothes are from there. I’m also an internet shopping addict.

17. Favorite restaurant?: East Side Mario’s.

18. When was the last time you cried?: I had an anxiety attack two days ago in my kitchen. So yeah.

19. Favorite Blog?: I just started this so I’m not too sure. I’m hoping to find a few (:

20. Favorite Movie?: Texas Chainsaw & Halloween. I live for horror movies.

21. Favorite TV shows?: I really love Bones, Pretty Little Liars, Adventure Time & Bob’s Burgers. Other than that, I don’t really watch TV.

22. PC or Mac?: Mac.

23. What phone do you have?: iPhone 5c. It’s a piece of crap now.

24. How tall are you?: 5’4″ or 5″5

25. Can you cook?: I can make good grilled chz tbh